the need for connection

Sometimes I feel like I’m thinking much slower than the rest of the world. Concepts strike me one day as a revelation, when they seem natural to other people. I spend months reflecting on the meaning of an encounter I’ve made – and when I finally grasp it, I only need a word to describe what I’ve learned. One word. With joy, I declaim this word to my friends, or to the person concerned. It seems so obvious to me. Then I watch series, I hear people talking, and use that word regularly. And I’m starting to feel a little bit… beta. How come I hadn’t grasped this concept before? Am I not lagging behind others? Or, do people use this word in a much less thoughtful way than I do, and that’s why they use it more often in their vocabulary?

The most recent word I’m trying to dissect is “connection.”

You may have already read my previous article on the red cord exercise, a visualization exercise to feel connected to the people around us. But what does “connected” mean?

Why are there some people you feel more connected to than others?

Are there friendships in one direction? What is missing for it to go into the other?

Why do we love or attach ourselves to people who reject us?

Where does this difficulty of obtaining a bilateral relationship come from?

When I was in high school, I was trying to become friends with a girl left out by others. Asking someone in my official circle of friends why she wasn’t trying to include it, she, too, replied, “Some people aren’t made to be my friends. That’s the way it is. I don’t feel it. You can’t be friends with everyone. »

It was the most pessimistic phrase I had ever heard before. The girl we were talking about, was kind, jovial, and was just looking for friends. There was nothing repulsive about it, nothing embarrassing in particular. We were only in high school, still the beginning of our adult life where we try to create friendships for the rest of the year, at least, even life. So why reject it on the principle of “I don’t feel it.”?

I have had the blessing and curse of often feeling alone in my life. I guess it’s the privilege of the first in the class jealous of others, since elementary school. As a result, I have never been very selective in choosing my friends. My thought went (and still goes) like this:

• If you want to become my friend: very good! My door is open to you.
• If you don’t want to create a connection with me: too bad! It’s probably because you judged me too quickly. So, you miss an opportunity to really get to know me and get one more friend.

The “you” for me, can apply to anyone. Man, woman, girl, boy. My age, younger, older. Religious or not. From my level of education or not. From my study environment or not. With or without a mutual friend.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always enjoyed traveling – it allows me to meet more different people, broaden my perspectives, get out of my comfort zone, enrich my social circle, and possibly be that little something different that I can offer to others too, if they’re open and curious.

Often I get frustrated because I want to get to know someone and I realize that this person doesn’t want me – not even as a friend. I’ve learned to be open to the world but I still struggle to be open to someone who closes so quickly. It’s like rushing with open arms towards a pretty little house and seeing the door close in front of you at the last moment. BAM. Head against the wood. It hurts! And what did I do wrong to be denied this friendship, or at least a beginning? Can someone explain?

As a result, I have a more particular sensitivity for “marginal” people, who cannot fit into the traditional boxes of society. Because I can understand their potential difficulty making friends, and they can understand mine. They are open and take doors anyway, like me. Their door opened unconditionally, and mine too, make it easy to create a bond.

But is it really because of a question of personality compatibility?

Wouldn’t it be just because of our DECISION to become friends no matter what, whoever the other is, whatever their life choices, and to do everything to keep that friendship?

Our decision to keep the door open with kindness?

Some will say, like this high school girl, “We’re not compatible to be friends.” But the truth is, they don’t WANT to become friends. This person disturbs them. She is not like the ones they are used to. It is out of the ordinary. The unknown frightens, even if the unknown has only good intentions. They don’t want to get out of their comfort zone to get to know someone different, with different communication codes, and yet the same needs as any other human: that of being CONNECTED.

Why would anyone be denied this gift?

Look at the people living on the street. Go talk to them. You will see that they will talk about themselves for 5, 10 minutes without stopping. They’re not going to ask you about your life. They’re just glad we’re interested in them.

A question of ego? No, they are just so isolated usually that any form of connection suits them. In this case, an incoming connection makes them feel good, allows them to feel that they have value as they have a story to tell and that someone listens.

They may not say thank you. Not right away. Not the first time they see you. Sometimes we’ve been so isolated that we’ve forgotten the basic codes of communication – that includes knowing how to say thank you.

Just give a little of your time, a little bit of your listening. Stop your impatience. Each person has a story, a unique experience. If you don’t listen to it, why would anyone listen to yours? Why should someone’s story be more valuable than another?

Don’t you see that we are all human beings of equal value, with the same needs, whatever our past, whatever our life experiences?

February 18, 2020