Long weekend road trips with friends always lead to interesting reflections on life. And what better than to hear from someone you’ve just met, the very direct question: “Why are you single?” to start his Friday night?
There two options open up: either “It’s not really a choice” with a frown, or we open up and think a bit more. Or, we use humor as an avoidance technique, like my friend who replied: “I ask myself this same question every time I wake up and at every meal…” as if it were a curse @ _@
I tried to think of all the reasons why someone might be single at some point. Especially when you start to turn 25 or even 30, it’s a question that society loves to ask us. (#socialpressure?) Often, these are answers that we dare not say, since they are very personal.
I would categorize the answers that come to mind into three different types:

1. The Passive Bachelor
2. The Default Single
3. The Active Single

Let’s go !

Type 1: Passive Single

The Passive Single is the one who waits for his soul mate as one would wait for a package that one has never taken the time to order. He makes his life above all else, alone and with his friends. He doesn’t expect anything in particular from others. He has no particular social rules in mind.
Examples…
– A lot of teenage heroes: what about Harry Potter, Ewilan, Eragon. Their main task is to save the world… not to start a family just yet. As the quests progress, they strengthen ties with their respective companions and even end up marrying them.
– Among the adults: I would quote the future fiancé of Rapunzel (in the Disney version). He lives from day to day, without any particular quest. It takes time for him to realize how much he cares about Rapunzel.
– Maybe you and your first love? 🙂

Type 2: Single By Default

The Default Single is the one who has just been rejected, and/or whose relationship has just broken up. Often he is not the one who chose to break up and he takes time to understand his own faults (if he had any, but I believe that everyone does). He still thinks about his ex, thinks about all this future he had imagined that will never come true, and finds it hard to turn the page.
Examples…
– A man I once met in a park. In the conversation, it comes that he had been married for 15 years, then his wife left him 1 year ago. As he spoke, his eyes were still misty. He said he was trying to meet other women through dating apps but nothing was working. Surprising?
– One of my exes, who calls me two months after our breakup to discuss why I left him.
– Myself I think, after each of my ruptures, even when I initiated them. I always needed a period of adaptation before moving on to type 1 or 3 below.

Type 3: Active Single

The Active Single is the one who is actively looking for his soul mate without having any ties to his old relationships (if he ever had any). Unlike the Passive Bachelor, finding his soul mate is one of his main quests. For this, he will multiply the meetings and take every opportunity that comes for this purpose.
Examples:
– All participants of the reality show “Love is Blind”: by registering for the show, they sign to spend their next few weeks meeting several different people and choosing one, as quickly as possible, to marry. They spend their days discussing their favorite people.
– A friend of mine, who every week goes out with a different man, in order to find “the right one”.
– It can also be (for people of my religion) missionaries returning after 2 years of celibacy and preaching the gospel in a distant land. They are strongly encouraged to go out and get married as soon as possible.
– My own brother, who had set a goal to always accept the first “date” (outing), and met his wife like that too 🙂

Dating between Singles?

When Singles meet, there can be friction and miscommunication due to the fact that they are in two different types without realizing it.

– Passive Single meets Active Single

It happened to me a lot when I was younger. My primary objective was my studies, to travel around the world, to meet as many people as possible without closing myself off. I was a little wisp and it attracted. It attracted a divorced friend of mine, 10 years my senior. Suffice to say that I considered him more like a brother than anything else. When he asked me to go out together, I said very clearly no, that I knew he was looking to get married quickly, and I didn’t even know yet in which direction my life was going. He would be happier with another Active Single. What he ended up finding a few years later and I’m happy for him 🙂
It attracted another single friend of mine, a little younger this time. He had even invited me to the restaurant one day when I was asking him for help with my German lessons. I also considered him a brother, and I gave him the same answer. He’d better look for a Single Active woman. Which, I believe he did next and they are now married and look very happy together 🙂

– Active Single meets Default Single

In my experience, this is the WORST COMBO. Typically, it’s synonymous with dating someone right after breaking up another relationship. Because the Default Single hasn’t really moved on, the Active Single finds himself in a position where he feels pressured to wait or convince the Default Single to move on. What is also called… the savior syndrome!
I experienced it in one of my relationships. The boy I was in love with had just broken up from a 3-year relationship, without really fully assuming his choice. So he continued to text his ex while spending crazy time with me. He didn’t quite know what he wanted. I ended up (mea culpa) texting her ex to tell her what was going on between us (she didn’t know me), and they broke up again a second time thanks – or because? of me.
Even though after we dated for a few years…I couldn’t repair that trust. There was always the wound present, on both sides. This famous “But did he really choose me or does he just feel indebted? “.

I’m not saying run away from Default Singles. They surely need your friendship to turn the page! But, they don’t need more. So don’t try to go any further. Not until they have made a clear choice about their situation. And, a little reminder: it’s up to them to make the choice, not you to do it for them.

– Default Single and Passive Single

I feel like this is the most peaceful combo. I don’t have an example of a couple in mind, probably because they can’t end up as a couple in their state. The Default Single should also become a Passive Single to be on the same wavelength as the other.

Now let’s see what happens when…

– Active Single meets another Active Single

Isn’t that ideal? You both know what you want. Now, are your desires compatible? Your long-term projects? Your values? Your principles? The things you want to teach your future children? Do you respect yourself? Do you two have romantic feelings for each other? What are you doing to keep them alive?
That’s a lot of questions, the analytical side of the meeting actually stresses me out a bit. The meeting is based only around the fact that one seeks his ideal partner. It’s the door open to quick judgments and not listening to the other. It’s a bit like doing a lot of job interviews, taken to the extreme. But hey, if it works for you, great!
In arranged marriage cultures, such as India today, this is a fairly common occurrence.

– Default Single meets another Default Single

Same remark as for Default Single meeting an Active Single. A very bad marriage in prospect…

– Passive Single meeting another Passive Single

They probably won’t even notice! They will see each other as friends first and will work their way together until the moment they realize that they are inseparable 🙂 The meeting is based around a quest independent of their love status.
My two most beautiful relationships have been in the Passive/Passive scheme. Here are the quests that brought us together:
– Attend the same religion class every morning at 6 a.m. and make a musical album together on our own initiative, piano/clarinet, with the songs we prefer
– Visiting a depressed friend together every week for several months until she finally dares to leave her house and come out of her wall of silence
None of these quests had been planned in advance. We didn’t do any “date” or romantic thing planned to try to hit on each other. The feelings grew naturally and they were pure.

I don’t know if it’s the best scheme, I think it depends on the person. What about you? Your best relationship was built from what pattern? If Passive/Passive, what quest brought you together?