Today, under the rain of shooting stars from the Draconids, on the roof of my motorhome in the Nevada desert, I celebrate one year of celibacy 😀

During that year, I celebrated my solo honeymoon in Death Valley, bought my first house (an RV), and got my first baby (my new computer to edit videos for my YouTube channel ).

 

“To celebrate”? But yes !
For some, celibacy is synonymous with loneliness, boredom, default option. They consider themselves incomplete until they find a soul mate to spend their time with.
Of course, I have a romantic side that dreams of meeting this person. But this year, life has taught me that with or without a companion, I can choose to live a good life .
In particular, my time as a relational hermit gave me the opportunity to work on the following levels:

1. Understand what I’m looking for
2. Improve my personal balance
3. Build what I want to attract to me

To the question: “Why are you single?” Here is my answer for this year.

 

1. Understand what I’m looking for

Next to my old home in Bernal Hill is a rock with the following quote:

[EN] “Your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and find all the blockages within yourself that you have built against it.”

[FR] “Your quest is not to find love, but to seek, and find all your inner blocks that you have built against it. »

I read this sentence and I hear: introspection. The quest for love is not complacency waiting for a prince charming, no – INTROSPECTION. But how introspection would allow me to indirectly find love, one might ask?
An eternally taught principle is: “Seek, and you will find.” But what am I really looking for? The true love ? Ok, and how do I define “true love”? How will I know when I find it? And do I believe I’m entitled to it?

 

I believe that too many people have a skewed view of “true love”, which causes their hearts to naturally not seek in the right direction. Few humans realize that the view of love they have is highly influenced by the family context in which they grew up. For example, I’m lucky to have seen my parents forgive each other after arguing, make plans together, and raise us with love by encouraging us in all our craziest ideas. This is the model of love that I try to follow.

On the other hand, I have a sister-in-law for whom the first model of love was a father who criticized her a lot and did not help her to have confidence in herself. So looking for ‘love’, unconsciously for her, was finding a man who ‘loved’ her like her father. It obviously ended in a divorce and an unwanted abortion. Fortunately, later she realized she deserved better, and she found my brother in second marriage. (Phew!)

 

If we don’t know what we’re looking for, or how our experiences influence our desires, we risk finding what does us more harm than good. What model of love are you looking for? And do you believe, in your heart of hearts, that you are entitled to it?

YES, you are entitled to it! The only problem… is that you may not believe it?

 

Personal experience: several times in my previous relationship ( Single By Default/Single Active type), I met other men who seemed to me to be incredibly mature, nice, cute, in short, perfect potential partners. But instead of opening up to them, I censored myself internally. What came to my mind, each time, was “They are too perfect for me. They will never be interested in me. I made X and X bad choices in my life and I don’t assume them. It will scare them away. In other words, I had a low self-esteem, I did not accept myself as I was in all my human imperfection. I stayed with my partner a bit by default, because I was afraid of being rejected by others, which was a very bad reason to stay in a relationship.

The day I broke up is the day I felt I had the right to that happiness I was looking for. I just had to go and find him, once and for all and without looking back.

Since my breakup, I have worked on the following resolutions:

• Assume my life path, forgive myself
• Put in order in my life the things that need it
• Realign myself with my principles and values

These three things help me a lot to boost my self-esteem. To test my progress, I imagine these “ideal” men next to me and try to imagine how I would feel. Comfortable talking to them? Or not for me?

Exercise to test your self-esteem: Go ahead, think of someone you secretly dream about and place yourself on the following scale:

1 – At ease, I would even dare to take the first step
…
10 – Not at all in my place, I risk disappointing him/her!

So what’s your score?

 

2. Improve my personal balance

Before, in my worst moments of loneliness, I dreamed of being held in the arms of a boy I liked. I thought that meant I was in love with him. But come to think of it, it could have been any boy hugging me, and I would have felt just as good. What did that mean?

Here’s what was going on. I felt like I was looking for love, but I was only looking for comfort, a boost of oxytocin in a moment of isolation . Do you know oxytocin? It is the hormone of happiness, of attachment, the one you feel when touched, in a hug, a kiss, with kind words, when a baby is delivered. By doing this analysis, I understood that if I went to this boy, it would only be to obtain this hormone. I know I wouldn’t love him for who he would be, just for what he would give me. That would be unfair to him, and selfish of me.

Still feeling alone, I tried to find other, healthier ways to get that oxytocin. For example, connecting with this boy on other levels – the conversation, the game. Also connect to other friends, ask for news. Hug my stuffed animal. By doing this, little by little, I realized that indeed, the attraction that I had for the boy disappeared little by little.

I understood then that my attraction, although resembling love, was in reality only the expression of a temporary need.

 

I believe that the expression of this need can appear in many different forms. In the worst times of my life, I have felt my brain racing so much that anyone (gender or age) became a potential attraction target. Luckily, I didn’t label myself, and I didn’t act impulsively because I took the time to weigh and interpret what my brain needed. I could have said to myself “oh well actually I’m bisexual, this will solve my problems, I’ll go with a girl”, but instead I realized that I just wanted comfort and to feel connected and loved. An expression of sincere friendship – early enough in the process anyway, was enough to silence my new attractions.

In short, it took me a while to understand that ATTRACTION IS NOT TRUE LOVE. And that doesn’t always lead to it either!

 

With that, I would like to make an important point. If your only reason for staying with your partner is to not feel lonely, then that’s not a partner, it’s just a PLUSH (…or a sex toy depending on where you were planning to go).

To talk a little more about this notion of “plush”: If you have ever come to my room, whether in Belfort, Osaka, Strasbourg, Nantes, Durham or San Francisco, the first thing you have surely noticed is “But there are lots of stuffed animals! (and the second thing you’re going to say is “Can I get you one?”) YES! I am a very cuddly and touch sensitive person. I think I have stuffed animals for the same reason that most old ladies I know have a plethora of cats at home: better to hug a stuffed animal than someone who might break our hearts – or whose heart you risk breaking.

In short, if you’re feeling lonely, don’t take your loneliness out on someone else. Don’t let the other person think you love them when you’re just trying to recharge your oxytocin hormones .

 

Instead, show real love. Do a favor. Ask questions. Take a sincere interest in each other. Go out, talk to strangers in a park, play Frisbee with them. By doing this, you’ll not only feel better, but you’ll help someone else feel better. You know, everyone likes to feel connected, on different levels. You are not alone. Open yourself to the needs of others. Victimize yourself for a few minutes, cry a little in bed, no worries, then GET OUT, put some music on, do something you like, and change the tone of your day once and for all.

(And if that feeling of loneliness really persists, please go talk to a professional therapist. but for the person you say you “love”.)

 

3. Build what I want to attract to me

I really believe in love like a magnet. We attract to ourselves what we ask to have. It even has a name, “the law of attraction” if you want to know more about it.
It’s a bit like looking for a job, in some ways. If you are only looking for a food job (for the sole reason of collecting money), then you will only find food there. You won’t find the energy and passion that comes from looking for a job that you really enjoy and that allows you to show all your abilities and grow, for your own benefit and that of the company. And this will also be noticed in the job interview! No one wants to hire someone who doesn’t believe in their abilities or skills.

It’s the same in love! If you think you are too ugly/old/uneducated/stupid compared to others, it will naturally lower your aura of charisma. Who wants to be with someone who depreciates all day long? This drains the energy of both partners constantly. It is not sustainable in the long term. If you can’t stand someone putting you down, why put yourself down?

And so, what do you attract to you? Where can this come from ?

Let’s start with negative examples:

• If you do not have a minimum of personal balance, you will not find any in your partner either. (you may even decrease his)
• If you’ve closed your heart because you’re afraid of being vulnerable, don’t complain about meeting someone who acts similarly. (long live platonic relationships!)
• If you have a bad tendency to always want to help people at the expense of your own balance, you’re going to find someone who will naturally abuse it. (it’s up to you to detect it as soon as possible and fire this person!)
• And finally, if you are looking for a plush, you will find… a plush.

Let’s go to the positive examples now:

• If you live a life where you actively work to achieve your dreams, you’ll attract someone who either does the same or is willing to support you all the way (or both).
• If you live a life in accordance with your personal principles (the choice is yours), you will attract someone who will help you keep them (or suggest better ones).
• If you know how to say no without being afraid of being alone… you will attract someone who will respect you even more. (! I should have done that in my previous relationship, it would have saved me a lot of heartache)

 

So !

Exercise: Write on a piece of paper what you are looking for in your partner…

…
…

Now assess your list: do you have the qualities you are looking for in the other? This gives you some clues to evaluate your progress 🙂

 

So where are you?

I think being an “ Active Single ” (the type of single person who multiplies “dates” and meetings to find their soul mate) without having achieved the three quests above is doomed to permanent disappointment. We risk wasting time analyzing others when we never took the time to analyze ourselves in the right way .

Between understanding what you are looking for, what you want to attract, and increasing your personal balance, where are you personally?

I am waiting for your comments 🙂

 

October 7, 2020