the girl who didn’t wear glasses

 
Are there blind people who are afraid to see?

As a teenager in middle school, I noticed that I couldn’t see the blackboard when I was at the back of the class.

Another time, looking at my music teacher through my neighbor’s glasses, I realized all the wrinkles she had that I didn’t usually see. It scared me. I started to wonder , “what if MY vision was normal and my neighbor’s was just… super-normal?” MY vision looks better, at least I don’t need to see all those facial flaws… But my poor neighbor sees them all the time”.

Later, during a trip to Scotland, I realized that my family managed to see whales far away in the ocean, when I couldn’t even distinguish them. The same goes for dolphins. I was sad, because I dreamed of seeing these dolphins for a long time. My mother noticed it, and then took me to an ophthalmologist.

Choosing not to wear glasses

Following this trip, I went to consult an ophthalmologist who detected myopia. Out of 10 lines of text, ranging from the largest font to the smallest, I could read 6 with one eye and 7 with the other eye. (6/10 and 7/10)

What will surprise some is that my mother advised me not to wear glasses. She believed my eyesight could improve and she had heard of the following risks if I decided to wear glasses:

• The fact that wearing glasses prevents the eyes from continuing to work, thus preventing any possible remission, potentially even involving the loss of sight
• Dependence on glasses (always obliged to have some with you)
• The obligation to wear glasses written in the driving license (if you wear glasses during your license, or if you fail the reading test)

I took his advice, but my eyesight didn’t improve, so I always fought to be in the front row in class, otherwise I had to copy the lesson from my neighbour. I passed my schooling as well (including higher education) and my driving license without glasses.

For more than ten years I have told myself that I am doing very well without glasses. And somewhere, it’s true. Perhaps my only notable disappointment came from a memory in the Vatican where I couldn’t make out the ornaments on the cathedral ceiling, and had to borrow my nearsighted friend’s glasses to enjoy it. And of course, all the times I have to squint to read the subtitles of a movie at the cinema.

Questioning

Yesterday, my sister-in-law complained that without her glasses, she saw everything blurry. I said to myself that she surely had a basic vision that was worse than mine, since I “was doing well”.

But taking his glasses, I realized that my sight did not change.

The correction of his glasses was not strong enough for me.

Which means my baseline view was worse than his!

My sister-in-law was complaining about her basic eyesight, which was better than mine.

I found that I rarely complain about my base sight, because I’m used to it. But I’m used to it because I forgot what normal eyesight looks like!

When I spend my working days in front of the computer, believe me that I don’t have time to think about the consequences of my myopia on a daily basis.

I don’t even realize all the details of life that I don’t see.

Details of people’s skin, details of landscapes, details of church ceilings, details of musicians on stage.

I’m used to seeing the world “fuzzy”, even if for me it’s not fuzzy, it’s just “normal”, because it’s part of my normal now.

Somewhere is practical. It’s true that I realized my independence from glasses. If tomorrow there is the apocalypse and opticians cease to exist, I will surely be the only short-sighted person not to panic.

On the other hand, I feel like I am missing out on a myriad of daily information. It’s like I see half the world every day, and I don’t know what it’s like to see all of it.

fear of change

On the kitchen table, there are three books that my mother bought, with relaxation exercises to do to improve her eyesight. They look great. But you know what ? I’m afraid to use them.

I’m scared because I don’t know what “improving my eyesight” really means . I haven’t had a point of reference on this for a long time. I’m so used to my current condition.

And so, if these exercises work, I’m afraid to see a whole new world. I’m afraid to see the world totally differently, and I don’t even know what to expect.

I’m afraid of being bombarded with new visual information that my brain would no longer be able to manage, for lack of space in the system. I told you, it’s like seeing half the pixels in the world, but I don’t know what’s in the other half anymore.

Go forward

Today I redid a test at the optician, and my sight has not improved, it has even dropped a little (only by one point). She warned me that I’m close to not having the right to drive. It’s crazy.

So I want to improve my eyesight, but at the same time I don’t know what to expect. I am afraid of the result at the same time as I desire it, ideally. It sounds stupid but that’s it.

So, before I started doing the vision improvement exercises, I decided… to wear glasses.

My goal is not to wear them all my life; but maybe at least a day, maybe even a week, a month, just to realize once and for all all the details that I haven’t seen for a long time , and make me want to do these exercises, know where I’m going and better understand how it will benefit me.

I don’t see how else to get out of my thought “my current sight is normal and sufficient” when… it’s not the case.

🙈

A metaphor for life

I was wondering if this story isn’t similar to what we sometimes experience.

Sometimes we live for so long with the same state of mind, that we don’t even know what it’s like to be happy and at peace with ourselves. I think of people who have had depression for years, low self-esteem for a long time, an irrational fear of something (men, women, school, work, maths, abandonment, rejection, and so on). Yes, they are told to go for therapy, but have we considered that they may be afraid of change after so many years of the status quo ?

• Fear of seeing the world completely differently than we are used to
• Fear of realizing all the opportunities we miss every day because of our rejection of change
• Fear of seeing things as they really are, instead of through a personal filter

It is important to recognize, name, and express these fears. In any case, doing it helped me make the decision to go and put on glasses soon, to finally see what I’ve been refusing to see for a long time.

If I had to do it again, I would wear glasses earlier, and frequently, at least so as not to forget what normal vision looks like and be afraid of it later.

October 18, 2021